im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You took a bar mat shot.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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