Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
