I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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