why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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