Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
