It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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