When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
