just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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