I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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