I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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