He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
