Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
