please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
