I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
