I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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