She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
