awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
