that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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