Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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