Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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