matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
