I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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