i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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