One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my being single is dangerous.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Randomize
