Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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