He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
