I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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