I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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