that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
