so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
