until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
