I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize