who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
