i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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