She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
