are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
