Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
