Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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