I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize