I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
