I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
