Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
