highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
