nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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