So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize