I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
