this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
