I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
