so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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