I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
