If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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