when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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