Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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