i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
