What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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