i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
