I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize