Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
