I'm eating all of the evidence.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i out mim tonsoeep
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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