it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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