booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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