I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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